back again.

Tsuobomi – Kobukuro
蕾　ー　コブクロ

涙こぼしても　汗にまみれた笑顔の中じゃ
誰も気付いてはくれない
だから　あなたの涙を僕は知らない

絶やす事無く　僕の心に灯されていた
優しい明かりは　あなたがくれた理由なき愛の灯(あかし)

柔らかな日だまりが包む背中に　ポツリ　話しかけながら
いつかこんな日が来る事も
きっと　きっと　きっと　わかってたはずなのに

消えそうに　咲きそうな　蕾が今年も僕を待ってる
掌じゃ　掴めない　風に踊る花びら
立ち止まる肩にヒラリ
上手に乗せて　笑って見せた　あなたを思い出す　一人

ビルの谷間に　理もれた夢も　いつか芽吹いて
花を咲かすだろう　信じた夢は　咲く場所を選ばない

僕等　この街に落とされた影法師　みんな　光を探して
重なり合う時の流れも
きっと　きっと　きっと　追い越せる日が来るさ

風のない線路道　五月の美空は　青く寂しく
動かない　さぎれ雲　いつまでも浮かべてた
どこにも　もう戻れない
僕のようだと　ささやく風に　キラリ舞い落ちてく　涙

散り際に　もう一度　開く花びらは　あなたのように
聴こえない　頑張れを　握った両手に　何度もくれた

消えそうに　咲きそうな　蕾が　今年も僕を待ってる
今もまだ　掴めない　あなたと描いた夢
立ち止まる　僕のそばで
優しく開く　笑顔のように　蕾を探してる　空に

Without letting anyone notice,
Your tears spilled and blended with your sweat-covered smile
That’s why I don’t know of your tears

Having never been extinguished, it was lighting up my heart
I received from you the tender light, proof of unconditional love

While being enveloped by the gentle spot under the sun, i whisper into your back
even if a day like this comes again
surely, surely, surely, even if you would be able to understand

vanishing and blooming, this year too the flower bud is waiting for me
the petal dancing in the wind that my palm can’t grasp
stops on the shoulder lightly
skillfully riding it and showing a smile, i remember you by myself

in the valley of buildings, sometimes buried dreams bud too
isn’t that what makes flowers bloom? you can’t choose where your dreams will blossom

the silhouettes we dropped on this town, they’re all looking for the light
even as time overlaps and flows over itself
surely, surely, surely the day we grow out of this will come

on the breezeless track, the beautiful sky of May feels blue and lonely
the motionless scattered clouds will always be floating
With no place to return to anymore
Just like me, in the whispering wind it dances to the ground with a flash, my tears

On the verge of dropping, once more the re-opening petals, are like you,
that gave silent encouragement countless times grasped by these hands

vanishing and blooming, this year too the flower bud is waiting for me
even now i still can’t grasp the dreams I painted with you
Stopping right beside me
Opening gracefully just like a smile, i keep looking for the flower bud, in the sky

---

so, now.

I’m thinking…

I’m not supposed to have these thoughts anymore.
Not when I’m in my 30s. Not when I thought I was ready for marriage. again.

but, why?
Why do they always chew me up from the inside?
Old habits die hard, I guess.

And now, I’m guilt-stricken, more than ever.

why do I always falter this way?

spellbound

I Didn’t Know I Was Looking For Love – Everything But The Girl

I was alone thinking I was just fine
I wasn’t looking for anyone to be mine
I thought love was just a fabrication
A train that wouldn’t stop at my station

Home, alone, that was my consignment
Solitary confinement
So when we met I was skirting around you
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you

I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you, honey
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you, baby, oh no

Didn’t know I was looking for love
Didn’t know I was looking for love

‘Cause there you stood and I would
Oh I wonder could I say how I felt
And not be misunderstood

A thousand stars came into my system
I never knew how much I had missed them
Slap on the map of my heart you landed
I was coy but you made me candid

And now the planets circle around you
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you

I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you, baby
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you, baby

Didn’t know I was looking for love
Didn’t know I was looking for love

So we built from here with love the foundation
In a world of tears, one consolation
Now you’re here, there’s a full brass band
Playing in me like a wonderland

And if you left I would be two-foot small
And every tear would be a waterfall
Soundless, boundless, I surround you
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you

I just didn’t know

I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you
I didn’t know I was looking for love
(I just didn’t know)
Until I found you

I didn’t know I was looking for love
(I just didn’t know)
Didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you, baby

I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you, baby

Didn’t know I was looking for love
Didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you

I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you

Didn’t know I was looking for love
Didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you

I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you
I didn’t know I was looking for love
Until I found you

---

Addictive. Spellbinding.

You had an air about you that I couldn’t quite grasp. And yes, you had me hooked like a fish to a juicy, fat worm.
You made me laugh. Hell, you made anyone laugh. And that annoyed me. I wanted you to myself, and myself only.
I was reduced to a pile of weakness when I saw you. Oh, why couldn’t I follow The Rules, especially of all people, with you?
How did you make me get so caught up that my every single second, millisecond even, was filled with thoughts of you?
And truly, I thought I’d never be ready again — thought that I wouldn’t feel again.
Till I met you.

Should I be thankful? Or should I, like with so many others before, turn and run away?

once more

Out Here On My Own – Irene Cara

Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin’ is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We’re always provin’ who we are
Always reachin’ for the risin’ star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I’m down and feelin’ blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I’ve never shown
Out here on my own

When I’m down and feelin’ blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can’t be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

---

how apt it is, after watching Fame, and having the lyrics constantly ring in my head;
even more so after the revelation of what I always knew would happen. one day.
I guess I’ve been living in denial for too long.
I just didn’t know it was going to be today.

I guess I was wrong when I said you didn’t make me feel anymore.

huh.

Jane – Barenaked Ladies & Stephen Duffy

The girl works at the store sweet Jane St. Clair
Was dazzled by her smile while I shopped there
It wasn’t long before I lived with her
I sang her songs while she dyed her hair.

Jane, divided, but I cant decide what side I’m on
Jane decided only cowards stay, while traitors run
Jane, Jane.

I’d bring her gold and frankincense and myrrh
She thought that I was making fun of her
She made me feel I was fourteen again
That’s why she thinks its cooler if wed just stay friends
Jane doesn’t think a man could ever be faithful
Jane isnt giving me a chance to be shameful
Jane, Jane.

I wrote a letter, she should have got it yesterday
That life could be better by being together
Is what I cannot explain to Jane
The girl works at the store, sweet Jane St. Clair
Was dazzled by her smile while I shoplift there
No promises as vague as heaven
No Juliana next to my Evan
Jane, desired by the people at the school and work
Jane is tired, cause every man becomes a lovesick jerk
Jane, Jane.

---

happiness, because of what I could be.
yet;
sadness, because of what I am not.

---

why,
can i no longer
find the me,
who wanted to
hold your hand,
who wanted to
hear you say
the words,
you once said,
before.
could it be
perhaps,
that
i am
no longer,
me,
anymore?

lay in your hug, take back the part that is missing in my heart

Fico Assim Sem Você – Adriana Calcanhoto

Avião sem asa, fogueira sem brasa
Sou eu assim sem você
Futebol sem bola. Piu-Piu sem Frajola
Sou eu assim sem você

Por que é que tem que ser assim?
Se o meu desejo não tem fim
Eu te quero a todo instante
Nem mil alto-falantes
Vão poder falar por mim

Amor sem beijinho,
Buchecha sem Claudinho
Sou eu assim sem você
Circo sem palhaço, namoro sem amasso
Sou eu assim sem você
To louca pra te ver chegar
To louca pra te ter nas mãos
Deitar no teu abraço, retomar o pedaço
Que falta no meu coração

Eu não existo longe de você
E a solidão é o meu pior castigo
Eu conto as horas pra poder te ver
Mas o relógio tá de mal comigo Porque?

Neném sem chupeta, Romeu sem Julieta
Sou eu assim sem você
Carro sem estrada, queijo sem goiabada
Sou eu assim sem você

Por que é que tem que ser assim?
Se o meu desejo não tem fim
Eu te quero a todo instante
Nem mil alto-falantes
Vão poder falar por mim

Eu não existo longe de você
E a solidão é o meu pior castigo
Eu conto as horas pra poder te ver
Mas o relógio tá de mal comigo Porque?
_________________________________________
English Translation – I Stay Like This Without You

A plane without a wing,
Bonfire without ashes,
It’s me like this, without you
Soccer without a ball,
Tweety without Sylvester,
It’s me like this, without you.

Why does it have to be like this?
If my desire had no end,
I want you every moment.
Not even a thousand loudspeakers,
Would be able to talk instead of me.

Love without little kisses,
Buchecha without Claudinho,
It’s me like this without you,
A circus without clown,
Commitment without making out,
It’s me like this, without you.
I’m crazy to see you arrive,
I’m crazy to have you in my hands,
Lay in your hug, take back the part,
That is missing in my heart.

I do not exist far from you,
And loneliness is my worst punishment,
I count the hours to see you,
But the clock it seems to be upset with me.
Why?

A baby without his pacifier,
Romeo without Juliet,
It’s me like this, without you.
A car without a roadway,
Cheese without goiabada,
It’s me like this, without you

Why does it have to be like this?
If my desire had no end,
I want you every moment,
Not even a thousand loudspeakers,
Would be able to talk instead of me.

I do not exist far from you,
And loneliness is my worst punishment,
I count the hours to see you,
But the clock it seems to be upset with me.
Why?

---

and could this be the end?

but how could it be the end, if it never really started?

inspired

simple. profound. amazing.
i want to be this awesome.

walking away; walking after you

At Seventeen – Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.

The Valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone

Who called to say come dance with me
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn’t all it seems
At seventeen.

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, “Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.”

The rich-relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity.

Their small town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.

To those of us who know the pain
Of Valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.

We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown

That call and say, come dance with me
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen.

---

If you wanted out, all you had to do was tell me, instead of letting me try to figure you out. And this has been nothing less than a constant heartbreak — tormenting, torturous…
How many times can one heart be broken by one single person?
I never needed to know — it must be time to walk away.

but how does anyone walk away from their heart?

diction

In the still of the night, away from the prying eyes, you took my hand in yours as we walked down lonely streets.

I let myself get lost for a moment as I embraced the feeling of how our fingers interlocked — your fingers fitting the spaces between mine so perfectly, so comfortably…
And I knew that it might be a long time again, if ever at all, that I would be able to relish such an infinite different emotions from just a single simple gesture — to be oblivious to Negativity who seems to habitually creep up on me in the midst of my sporadic states of delirium.

In that still of the night, away from the prying eyes; —
It was, just you, and I; finally allowing the echoing silence to induce our deprived complacency.

— In that brief juncture, I felt like you were mine.

But really, what IS real?

Especially after you’ve said that with me,
it never is.

I love you.
But if you are simply a mere figment of my imagination, perhaps then, I really need to let you go.

.

Grit my teeth
Give a smile
Hold it back
For a longer while

Hear the voices
Screaming inside
Run away
Nowhere to hide

Feel the tears
Ready to fall
Not prepared
To show it all

Keeping silent
While you scream
No chance you’d give
To let me redeem

Didn’t reveal
Was so in pain
You still look at me
With such disdain

How could you
Possibly claim
You can understand
All my shame

Get out of my life
You always say
Those words that
Torment me everyday

No different
Are you from them
Stop the pretense
Can’t give a damn

Stopped living
In my fairy tale
They did constantly say
I’d always fail

Won’t regret
How I act
It’s all been done
Can’t change the fact

So I hate myself
Should’ve let me die
Now you know
Stop asking why.

(and yet you still
ask me to find
a companion for whom
i thought was mine

now the tears
roll down my face
i relinquish them
remember the taste

the bitterness of sorrow
so painful but true
the representation
of the color blue

thought you might be
a distinctive change
to a life that i need
to rearrange

too much time
i waste to ponder
what i know
i’d never discover

how i tried
to understand you
you yourself knew
you were never true

wanted to pretend
perhaps i was wrong
made-belief that i
was really strong

but sometimes i falter
i start to cry
remembering instead
your last goodbye

your look your smile
your hugs that kiss
your words you know
i’ll always miss

but now that you
have said farewell
in time to come
i hope you’d tell

how you and i
were really meant to be
when your grandkids
sit upon your knee

time has finally
let me see
maybe you were never
the right one for me

it’s my turn now
i say adieu
let’s part our ways
i love you.)

why am i rhyming again?

If I asked you to stay with me,
For just a little while more,
To help me pick up the pieces of the heart you broke,
Lying around on my living room floor;

Would you agree and look at me,
Smiling with those eyes I adore,
Or would you turn your back again,
Like how you’ve always done before?

I remember the time you took my hand,
Walked with me along the shore,
Then used your jacket to shelter me,
When it started to pour;

And then how you said you’d always love,
With all your heart, you swore,
Our two lives by then had started as one,
Like the perfect musical score;

I can still recall your warm embrace,
And smelling the perfume you wore,
But the Dolce and Gabanna Pour Homme I bought for you,
Has now been changed to her Christian Dior;

Now I can only blame myself,
Saw the signs but chose to ignore,
So the answer is always negative, this time,
However I might deplore;

But could I have a final request,
Before you and I are no more?
Would you stay — please try to love me again,
Before you walk out our the front door?

---

I can’t sleep, anxiety is keeping me up again, so I write nonsensical shit to pass the time. I haven’t done my rhyming crap for so long, I really can’t do it anymore.
This is too depressing and dry, but happy-inspired stuff always sucks. Darnit, where’s my all-time favourite song?

heh found it.

Somewhere Out There – An American Tail OST

Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there
Someone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

And even though I know
How very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be
Wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts
To sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping
Underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we’ll be find one another
Somewhere out there
Out where
Dreams come true

---

I miss you.