“I’ve already fallen”, you said.
Today, I lost myself to you.
With that three seemingly elementary words, I lost my grip on everything I had held on so strongly to, and was bound in oblivion with you. I was blown away, left speechless.
So praytell, how did you manage to take my breath away when you were the one single person I had promised not to let myself fall for? I couldn’t comprehend how you managed to deprive me of my words and broken down the walls of pride that had always protected me before.
Could I believe that all that you said to me were more than mere sweet-nothings?
I hated myself for believing you, but they say, love is naive.
And the truth is, as much as I avoided it, I had already fallen too.
My unintended had become my music.
I was in search of music, but instead I found you.
Could you be my music?
No more words that exude apparent eloquence beyond even myself.
Just being in oblivion, just being beyond me and just being with you, is beyond music.
The intensity of your gaze scared me, not because i was afraid of u, but more so because it seemed to reflect the intensity of what I felt for you.
And in my private soliloquy, I told myself to let you go.
I told myself I wasn’t good for you, that I should leave before the cut gets any deeper.
but in my thoughts I wanted you, I needed to feel your presence.
How could it be that we were like 2 silhouettes dancing under the ebony sky, holding on to this suicide romance?
So what good is there in speaking forth words of poetry, of prose, when you can’t feel and simply say only what you want to say?
Words were my weapon but now they seem to fail me. I can’t describe you, I can’t describe feelings, emotions, I can’t describe love.
And without you, there’d be but love; And without love, do words really matter anymore?
To feel love, is to taste power.
And absolute power corrupts.
Question is.. how could you be so damn sweet in one moment and seemingly non-chalant in the next?
I couldn’t understand if I really meant as much as you said I did.
Maybe I’m insensitive, I don’t feel it, when you’re so distant — when all i want is to see you, be by your side, hold you, kiss you..
You took me on that rollercoaster ride named Emotion and there was no turning back. It was a neverending journey that started the moment our lips met.
and now, I hate it that you probably will never be mine.
the truth is that,
with you,
there is no oblivion.
its just a constant worry,
of how someone or another,
is gonna see us,
holding hands,
kissing,
perhaps loving?
but when we are alone,
just the two of us,
we are on another plane,
another time,
another space,
together.
and i want it to be an eternity.
but time,
it just seems to fly past,
the time i’m in your arms,
it seems like a split second
before we part ways,
and meet the world
again,
as two people,
no more an “us”,
but a “u” and an “i”,
and then that part of me,
holding you,
dies away.
but,
only for that time being,
until we are one,
again.
Amongst a crowd, amonst familiar faces — it somehow wasn’t the same without you.
I wish you were here, the only birthday wish worth wishing for – and the only wish that I know wouldn’t realize. Sometimes wishes are meant to remain that way, just like how sometimes the answer to prayers is “no”.
If only you didn’t leave, would things have changed? We are all slaves to our decisions.
It will always be a hope against all hope. That’s the way life — and love — is. And part of me still refuses to accept reality.
Two hearts closed
yet beating as one
made believe they didn’t feel
turned away, they shunned
and yet how they avoided
they could not deny
the recurring feelings
of hope inside
They wanted to hide
the glaze in their eyes
yet when they saw each other
they spun a web of lies
of how they’d never love again
how the world was cruel,
but they didn’t realize
it was with their own hearts they had to duel.
they engrossed themselves in their bodies,
in their lust,
hid the pain, the hurts,
of their lives, the dust.
never admitting to each other
to that single fear
which ultimately led to
the string of tears.
for they could never fathom,
they would never believe,
that maybe that spark of hope
really did exist.
but such is the case
of more than one,
which once again proved
that life had won.
The hardest thing in the world was to watch you turn back one last time, and then walk away. And in that moment, a little part of me inside died.
I only wish I had just one last kiss.
That moment, I didn’t hear the words I needed to hear. That moment I felt like I was losing you, losing a friend and a lover. My heart seemed to reside itself in a million bits that seemed to cut every part of me.
And then that single tear rolled down my cheek.
Had the end come sooner than I expected?
I hated myself for being me, for blurting out unnecessary words, and perhaps for pushing you away.
And they flowed freely, the tears they would not stop no matter how much I bit my lip and willed myself to get a grip.
And that moment the part of me that you had miraculously revived, died again.
Today you made me cry. And it felt like I was losing u, like I was holding on at my fingertips something almost seemingly non-existent.
I was here and you were there. But when we were together, caught up in our own world of makebelief, oblivious to reality, that was nirvana to me.
Because I was caught up in that whirlwind of romance, oblivious to the cynicism that resided once upon a time in me.
You were more than a dream, you were like a paradise that I never could imagine, a nirvana that I had failed to explore.
I never thought that reality and fantasy could merge as one, and my eyes betrayed the aloofness that I had before chosen as my ideal facade.
I hated it that you made me feel love; yet I loved the way you made me hate you.
Maybe I’m just scared — afraid of what I was feeling, but more afraid of letting you go.
I saw you in happier times, your smile was different, without me. So was it me that was wrong? Or did I let you escape into a constant turmoil due to.. Circumstances?
And I wonder how it would have been like.. If things were different. Maybe the thrill of the chase wouldn’t have existed, or persisted.
But I couldn’t have known. And still won’t.
Could you have been the one?
And you simply made me fall, over and over again.
And it seemed to be a drug-induced whirlwind. That surreality was beyond me, was mind-blowing, was nothing I’d ever experienced before.
But that’s how love is supposed to be, no?
Surreal, whirlwound, and perhaps, just perhaps, love is a drug. Or perhaps, could you be my drug? My ecstasy, my love?
Addiction (&-’dik-sh&n):
Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance.
Praytell, then, how am I supposed to live without you now?
The truth is I never needed to be perfect, I just wanted to be the best, in your eyes. But I guess I wasn’t, am not, and I probably will never be.
I guess I was just too easy. It’d had meant more if there was some fight, no? There could have been, but I just never liked conflict.
Sometimes I wonder why, I usually can convince myself otherwise by the next day. But doubt was never good. And now I’m in a constant turmoil, with thoughts, too cruel to mention, running through my head.
I want my solitude again.
But as much as I cringe as I say this, you’re too much a part of me by now. I couldn’t fathom a day without you.
And all this time I wonder if you’d ever understand.
And still I sat alone.
In the midst of the hustle and bustle of people
In my misery
Holding on the the thin fragile strands of hope
That were still left dangling
From the past I hated to remember
Yet remembered to hate
Wishing there was an escape
A valid reason to run away
But I still lived a lie
A lie I wished wasn’t
But still, a lie
And however oblivious I was to my surroundings
I knew they still existed
Within, without
A sprial of neverending hurt
Filled me, bottled up
And still I sat alone.
I taste the bitterness of sweet romance
and yearn for the feel of your breath
I can only feel you
and me –
I can feel my pain
I don’t see you
but you are there,
residing in me.
reaching out to my every sense,
making the ends of my nerves tingle
with that simple brush against me.
and i feel you each time someone cries,
i hear you each times someone laughs
and each time someone falls in love
it’s a heartwrenching ordeal
for you are beyond reach.
and at times i want to scream,
and weep –
weep that i have never seen you
that i have never felt you plant a kiss on my lips
and that i do not know anything of you
except that you exist.
